I'm sorry I haven't posted much recently. But can you really blame me, it's not like I have been in the best...position. Along with that, my laptop was having some problems. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions but,


No. You know what, it's all His fault. I was browsing some forums when, BAM, static screaming at me on my already crackly speakers. You would have laughed if you saw how much I jumped out of my seat in Starbucks. People were doing that irritating,


rude,


thing of staring at me.


I guess I've become accustomed to it though, I seem to always be embarrassing myself in front of the general public. But, if it's a choice between making a fool of myself and not dying. I think the choice is pretty fucking obvious. I'm sat there afterwards just staring at my laptop screen which is like...yellow bars and it looks like the screen is completely messed up, I don't really know what to do about it...


I'm in an Apple store updating right now.


I hate places where people can see me type, it...worries me I guess. Having people see how neurotic I've become is not something I really enjoy and right now I probably look like shit. 


I threw away my phone, I don't really need it anyway and it was just ringing constantly and it wouldn't stop and it made my head hurt for days. I've decided I'm not moving for a while though, it seems clear where I am right now, suburban, lots of people around. He doesn't appear much when I have about fifty people crowding round me in a high street. I stay away from Alley ways, especially at night. I use bus stops and roofs, sometimes libraries, to sleep in and...It's alright.


I kind of miss my bed.


But I might have a place to stay for a while, a house. I got a tip off, someone emailed me and said they wanted to meet me, they live around the Boston area and so they're going to travel down and I'm going to meet them,


meet them...I'm
Hesitant.


I want to trust them because that's all I want right now, trust.


I'm going to take my camera...I tell myself it's because I just want to document it but it's also because I want people out there to believe me.


Believe me.


And then maybe they'll help.

I'm so tired...

I fell asleep in my Geography class today.

I didn't sleep well again last night and now I'm feeling it creep up on me during the day, it's ruining my school work all this worry and late night research and blog reading. I look like crap, hair scraped back with ugly, purple and red bags under my eyes. I don't understand how anyone can bear to look at me, let alone have a fully conversation with me. I've started to slip into the arena of the unwell and...I'm inclined to drag people down with me. Whenever someone talks to me I feel the need to gush, and tell me things that will get them skewered on a tree.

Yeah. I read about those incidents. I used to like trees, pretty to photograph...to draw, sit under. I don't go near them. Which is hard because, they're planted all around my school. I hear Admiral Ackbar in my mind shouting, "IT'S A TRAP!" Whenever I get so much as a metre near one.

When I took my nap today I...I had a dream. It wasn't a nightmare because I swear I actually felt a certain sense of,

I don't know,

tranquility, when I was having it. I was fucking enjoying having a messed up and entirely insane dream where, He was talking to me. Talking to me. Not with a voice just...I could hear him. I followed him to the park in my town. Other kids started joining us, like some fucked up Pied Piper Of Hamlin. I wanted to go though, why wouldn't you trust such a smart dresser?

Ha.

We carried on till we came to my school, all these children who I (in a sort of coma like state) noticed, looked like...I don't know. They all sort of looked like the children from my old nursery group. But why this occurred to me I don't know, because they're faces weren't there. Replicas of Him almost. Almost. He stopped when he reached my school gates and turned to me, telling asking me to open the door and let him in. That's what he does. He gets you to open your door, your mind and then he just wanders in and makes himself comfy, you know, has a cup of tea. Looks through your music collection, kills your friends.

I'm not all here I swear.

The awful thing was, I wanted to let Him in. I wanted him to come and take them all away so there was only me and Him let. I...I think I may be becoming a hollowed. But that makes no sense, he's been making Lee sick not me, I don't have a cough...not yet.

I wish he would turn up. I wish he would face me and fucking leave Lee alone.

I found her in the chapel at our school. Praying. She doesn't even believe in God but...she thinks he'll help her. Maybe he will, has anyone ever tried hiding in a church from Him? Could work if he worked by our rules, and not his own. He's so sporadic. To each his own I guess. He's to different in every story. Sometimes he is aggressive, sometimes passive.

Can't really speak for myself as I've never encountered Him...

I should start thinking of a way to shake Him off. Run. Run....Lee told me to run. I could run with her. Two is always better than one, I don't want to be alone if he comes. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die...

I want to contact someone, maybe M. He offers to answer questions and I need to know some things. maybe even suggest my church idea. Probably shit but I don't really care right now, do any of us? Do we really have a choice. Stay and die or run and keep death away for what...a week? A month? It's hard to stay moving, from an entity that doesn't care if your door is locked, he's fucking coming through and he's messing you up as well.

We're all just lambs and as much as I hate to say it, he's our shepherd, we're controlled by him whether we like it or not.

We just have to grow up and leave the flock, and I think when we do, that's when he gets angry and starts to shear us.

Ugh. Enough of this metaphorical bullshit, I'm going to sleep. And if I dream about Him, so bloody be it. I'll just think of Buddy Christ and it'll all be rainbows and sunshine drops.

-Sintel