I'm so tired...

I fell asleep in my Geography class today.

I didn't sleep well again last night and now I'm feeling it creep up on me during the day, it's ruining my school work all this worry and late night research and blog reading. I look like crap, hair scraped back with ugly, purple and red bags under my eyes. I don't understand how anyone can bear to look at me, let alone have a fully conversation with me. I've started to slip into the arena of the unwell and...I'm inclined to drag people down with me. Whenever someone talks to me I feel the need to gush, and tell me things that will get them skewered on a tree.

Yeah. I read about those incidents. I used to like trees, pretty to photograph...to draw, sit under. I don't go near them. Which is hard because, they're planted all around my school. I hear Admiral Ackbar in my mind shouting, "IT'S A TRAP!" Whenever I get so much as a metre near one.

When I took my nap today I...I had a dream. It wasn't a nightmare because I swear I actually felt a certain sense of,

I don't know,

tranquility, when I was having it. I was fucking enjoying having a messed up and entirely insane dream where, He was talking to me. Talking to me. Not with a voice just...I could hear him. I followed him to the park in my town. Other kids started joining us, like some fucked up Pied Piper Of Hamlin. I wanted to go though, why wouldn't you trust such a smart dresser?

Ha.

We carried on till we came to my school, all these children who I (in a sort of coma like state) noticed, looked like...I don't know. They all sort of looked like the children from my old nursery group. But why this occurred to me I don't know, because they're faces weren't there. Replicas of Him almost. Almost. He stopped when he reached my school gates and turned to me, telling asking me to open the door and let him in. That's what he does. He gets you to open your door, your mind and then he just wanders in and makes himself comfy, you know, has a cup of tea. Looks through your music collection, kills your friends.

I'm not all here I swear.

The awful thing was, I wanted to let Him in. I wanted him to come and take them all away so there was only me and Him let. I...I think I may be becoming a hollowed. But that makes no sense, he's been making Lee sick not me, I don't have a cough...not yet.

I wish he would turn up. I wish he would face me and fucking leave Lee alone.

I found her in the chapel at our school. Praying. She doesn't even believe in God but...she thinks he'll help her. Maybe he will, has anyone ever tried hiding in a church from Him? Could work if he worked by our rules, and not his own. He's so sporadic. To each his own I guess. He's to different in every story. Sometimes he is aggressive, sometimes passive.

Can't really speak for myself as I've never encountered Him...

I should start thinking of a way to shake Him off. Run. Run....Lee told me to run. I could run with her. Two is always better than one, I don't want to be alone if he comes. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die...

I want to contact someone, maybe M. He offers to answer questions and I need to know some things. maybe even suggest my church idea. Probably shit but I don't really care right now, do any of us? Do we really have a choice. Stay and die or run and keep death away for what...a week? A month? It's hard to stay moving, from an entity that doesn't care if your door is locked, he's fucking coming through and he's messing you up as well.

We're all just lambs and as much as I hate to say it, he's our shepherd, we're controlled by him whether we like it or not.

We just have to grow up and leave the flock, and I think when we do, that's when he gets angry and starts to shear us.

Ugh. Enough of this metaphorical bullshit, I'm going to sleep. And if I dream about Him, so bloody be it. I'll just think of Buddy Christ and it'll all be rainbows and sunshine drops.

-Sintel

I don't want to be so glum in posts now. I've looked back over the first few and I sound like some angsty dickhead, and I am most certain not. It's hard though, because as much as I don't want to admit it; these events are the most interesting thing in my life right now. And I gotta be honest that terrifies and amazes me at the same time. I'm finding myself wanting to know more and more about this...

Not gonna write his name, it scares me. Scares me to tears.

One year ago I went to see a play, it was wonderful. Atmospheric and scary. It was Woman In Black just to clarify. I spent most of the time clenching my eyes shut so tight it gave me a headache, but I still enjoyed being scared.

This isn't a kind of scared I enjoy.

I don't know what to think when I'm reading these blogs. The most information I've got is from some guy called M, but I'm still not reading enough of the blogs to understand. How the fuck can I when I get halfway through a paragraph saying that when someone is tagged or branded or whatever by this imaginary monster, it can be passed on?

You think I like the thoughts that jangle around my head that Leanne is marked by Him? I don't want to lose my best friend. It's too much for me to take in, I've been on this planet for fourteen years, that's not even half a life time. I'm not stupid, I don't want to believe but I'm starting to.

Leanne coughed on me. That's what scared me the most today I think. Not just my insane scribblings. My insane scribblings that I can't remember I did. The blogs say it's the cough.

Being around him makes you...sick. I've been sick the past week as well her? Am I for the chop...the...

Let's say that this whole thing isn't real, that nobody has died. Nobody has died. Nobody has died. So many have died...children. I have a niece, she's a baby, what if she grows up and he's passed on from me to her. My sister lives for her daughter, she's wanted to be a mother forever! I can't take that away from her. This slender thing must drive you insane with guilt and...anxiety. Is that how he kills you? He let's you destroy yourself from the inside? I have so many questions and I don't know who to ask.

I can't ask my friends because they might research Him and then. Well yeah, some things are better left unsaid. Or not thought up in the first place.

My brain is drawing me into this twisted world of Him. But my common sense is telling me to get the fuck out of there, stop using the interest to research Him. Bring Him to life so to speak. When I do go looking for him, I have to keep my music loud and cheerful or else I tense up (TENSO...not so funny really with everything that's going on) and start hyperventilating. I'm not sick anymore though. When I think about it, I haven't felt ill since before I blacked out in Physics. I need to research these (X) symbols more.

Do...Do they protect you from him? If so I'm thinking about scrawling them all over my bloody walls.

I'm not in a jokey mood right now, but I want to be. I want to cheer myself and get my head in gear. I'm looking through pictures me and Leanne took on my Mum's mac. Ha. My mum is so protective of her baby mac, when she found out i'd been messing around on it she started going on about how I could scratch it or damage it somehow.

Well, what she said was,

Je gaat krassen op het scherm, idioot.

*You're going to scratch the screen, idiot.

What a wonderful woman she is.

Adults don't get stalked do they?

I don't want my whole family to suffer from something that doesn't even exist when you don't think about him or, however the story goes.

It reminds me of a movie I have on DVD, One Missed Call. The original version. I used to watch that and think, "That's so creepy...the fact it's passed on my cell phones probably makes it scarier, seeing as they are something we use every day, by millions of people. And...you get if from your friends. Your contacts. This is mind numbingly scary." The ending was happy. Happy. The girl smiling down at the detective guy. But it could have been worse, she could have stabbed him.

Will any of the marked people's stories end up happy like that movie? From terror to joy...

I think I should be running, not sitting in bed with the curtains drawn. Listening to the rage of the wind outside hoping that it is wind and not something worse. I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight. I have to. There's always been a little girl inside me that has wanted to do it but, electricity is expensive and what's the point if I'm not scared of the dark?

I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of what's in the dark, what the dark is made of...who controls it.

Don't believe in God. I believe in him as much as I believe Santa still buys me presents at Christmas.

I just had an awful thought.

I told my friend Jason that I would be starting a blog. Shit...I hope I didn't give him the address. Someone tell me it's not passed on through blogs. He lives two minutes away but...I'm too selfish to venture out when I think about the woods near my house and the lurking dread that fills the bottom of my stomach when I even just glance at a window. Even in the day I'm feeling more paranoid.

A mental break down at fourteen is not good. Not good.

I want to sleep. I'll talk to Jason tomorrow and...I'll talk to him.

I want to post this picture though, it's one of me and Leanne. We look sweet.



Me on the left, Lee on the Right.
Girls always do weird things with their hands, don't they...

  -Sintel